“Black River Orchard” Review

This is a horror novel about apples. Yes, as in the fruit. But stick with me here — it’s actually pretty great. The premise: in the small New England town of Harrow, seven apple trees appear. The trees produce nearly black apples that are addicting because they make you feel healthier, more powerful, and unstoppable … until you find yourself a junkie in an apple cult.

A motley crew of “non-apple eaters” — a wannabe influencer teen girl, a Native American former sniper and apple hunter, a lonely lesbian, and an AirBnb owner — band together to fight the “apple eaters.” These demonic apples are grown by the teen’s father, who descends into madness and violence, along with the rest of the town’s leaders. Plus, there are apple monsters.

➡️ Title: “Black River Orchard” by Chuck Wendig

Length: 640 pages

✅ Why It Works: Despite the weird premise, this novel is well-written and very captivating. The “apple” theme is a clever extended metaphor for the rot that we see in fascist movements throughout history.

The toxic apple seems like a good idea at first, until the town’s most powerful people acquire it. From there, they rope people into their cult with the promise of influence, wealth, and strength, while actually destroying people who don’t know any better. Hmmmm … allegory for MAGA, anyone?

❌ Why It Doesn’t: While I loved this book, I removed a half sparkle because it feels very of its time. The novel was written in 2024, and the heavy-handed mentions of influencer culture could date the book.

Read It? Yes! It’s a unique book that makes you think. But a warning, this is classified as horror, so some scenes are violent and graphic.

Rating: ✨✨✨✨.5/5

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👟 From wool shoes to AI? AllBirds, the beloved sneaker of 2010s tech bros, dumped the shoes and rebranded as NewBird AI. Sadly, this is not The Onion. Hello, new dotcom bubble.

📰 TMZ launched a Washington D.C. bureau, and their producers already confronted Senators Lindsey and Graham. Sadly, this may be the best journalism we currently have.

👑 It’s apparently time to hoard gold. Several states are stockpiling gold bars and encouraging residents to use gold-backed debit cards. I can only afford copper.

🥵 A new study found that between 1990 and 2023, the average summer between the tropics and the polar circles increased by about six days per decade. That’s horrifyingly fast.

✈️ Friday is now the best day to book flights for the cheapest fares, saving travelers up to 3% compared to Sunday. Keep this in mind for your summer travel plans.

See you next Sunday, cult members.